I heard an intruder up on the roof last night so I took a bow and arrow and shot the bastard. His body fell off the roof and was eaten by a crazy herd of man-eating reindeer. Looks like he was trying to steal all our Christmas gifts. Don't worry, we got his bag of loot. All is good.
Serves him right for sneaking around on people's rooftops on the night Jesus was born. Burglars need to exercise more these days. They're getting too fat and jolly. The burglar had the nerve to call me a ho. I am guessing his day job was pimping. He was certainly dressed like one.
If he wanted to be a cat burglar he really needs to get into shape. You can't be running around on rooftops like that and not expect some physical challenges. When I spotted him he appeared to have his foot stuck inside the old chimney that has been plugged up for decades. Not too bright. How he thought he could fit down that I will never know.
When he realized I caught him he started calling me a ho again and again and reaches for something under his jacket. I figured he was reaching for a gun so I shot him first. The impact knocked him off balance, he fell off the roof and the crazy reindeer then ate his corpse.
I grabbed the bag of loot he stole from us and went back inside to call the cops. But as I was about to dial I realized that they would never believe this farfetched story of a burglar dressed in red on rooftops. There wasn't even evidence he was ever there. So since the reindeer had already disposed of the body I shrugged and went back to bed.
The nerve of the guy. Doesn't he know last night was a Holy Night? Twas the night Jesus was born (supposedly, though some say he was actually born in March and a Roman emperor moved his birthday celebrations to December) and therefore not a night to go robbing people.
Plus it was freezing rain last night. How crazy do you have to be to be crawling on an icy / slippery roof during freezing rain? In the dark no less. I nearly slipped and fell.
Anyway, Merry Christmas to all! If you don't find any gifts under the tree from your loved ones this year it is because a bastard in a red suit stole them all.
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